I haven’t written a blog in a while. Reading over my last ones, it’s really easy to see that I wasn’t happy. I was lost.
I made some changes in my life recently that were really hard and took a long time to make. I broke up with my partner of four years. I made the decision to fall in love with myself again and give myself a chance to be my top priority.
It sounds liberating and brave, and people keep telling me I seem different. I feel different. But I don’t know how I feel right now. That’s the hardest part.
I’ve never gone through a break up before, so everything I feel seems to be a new feeling. I can feel nothing but feel OK. I can feel overwhelmed and feel OK. I can feel heart broken but feel OK. I can feel happy and feel OK. Every thing doesn’t seem to be feel real right now – it’s just OK.
When I tell people I’m OK, I feel like I’m lying. But I don’t know what else to say.
I’ve been there for friends who’ve broken up with partners, and I’ve given advice, suggestions, hugs and hope. But now that I’m on this side of it, I am so lost.
I lost myself by being in love, and falling out of love, with someone else. My whole being was dependant on this person, and now that I’m by myself, I don’t know how to be my person.
In Grey’s Anatomy, Meredith and Christina are each other’s person. In my life, my person is my best friend and used to be my ex. My best friend is still my person, and always will be, but now I need to be my own person too.
This is a feminism blog, so I guess to tie my heart ache in with feminism I will say feminism is an empowering movement. Right now, I feel empowered because I decided to put myself first. I’m deciding to take care of myself, even though right now that means figuring out a new routine and crying a lot.
Thank you to all my friends who support me and listen to me rant and cry and try to be OK. I couldn’t do this without any of you.
I love you all, so much.
You’re helping me put my broken heart back together, one tiny piece at a time.